Poor Jokes

[DavidS]

Did you hear the about the woman who asked her pharmacist for a double entendre, so he gave her one?


[modified Wish FM joke]

[johnep]

The society has been a poor joke for decades.
johnep

[Nik]

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when
the man felt a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about
whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party
official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph
whether it's officially raining or snowing".

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is
it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man
quietly replied...





"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear".

[DavidS]

Copied from another forum of which I am a member, posted there by "gregdous"
================================================== ===========
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[Sir_Dispensalot]

As she lay there dozing next to him, a voice inside his head kept saying, “Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients.”

But another voice kept reminding him, “Howard, you are a veterinarian.”

[Sir_Dispensalot]

With the introduction of Viagra in response a perennial male problem,
a famous British pharmaceutical company is now working on a range of
new drugs in an attempt to redress the balance…

MIRRORCILLIN
A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four hours
without pausing once.

STOPPANAGGIN
Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their spouse or
boyfriend.

COSMOPOLIRA
Raises female intelligence to levels allowing ‘facts’ in trash
lifestyle magazines to be disputed.

LOGICON
Trials have showed that females taking this were able to follow a
proposition through to its logical conclusion, and argue effectively
without being diverted into non relevant postulates such as ‘you don’t
love me anymore’.

PARKATRON
72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park a Ford
Fiesta into a space only 12 meters long; 54% achieved this in under 15
minutes.

MAGNATACK
Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes appear much larger
than in reality – no practical use for this drug has yet been found.

WARDROBIA
Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this drug can
safely walk past a sale notice, and an amazing 42% actually stayed
within their credit limit.

BEERINTULIN
Engenders a female desire to bring her spouse/boyfriend alcoholic
beverages and snacks during televised sports.

[Sir_Dispensalot]

A famous surgeon died and worked his way Heavenwards, arriving ultimately at the Pearly Gates. Just like at his clinic there was a long line. He was not having any of this and strode to the head of the queue and berated St. Peter who was overseeing the admissions procedure.

“I can’t hang around here in a line like this,” explained the surgeon. “Don’t you know who I am?”

“No, who are you?” asked St. Peter.

“I’m Dr. Simon Rothschild III, President of the Royal College of Surgeons, Surgeon on-call for the Queen, Chairman of …”

“O.K., O.K., O.K.,” said St. Peter, “I get the idea. However, it makes no difference here. Everyone is equal and you must go to the back of the line.”

At that moment a harassed little man in a crumpled suit rushed up in an obvious hurry. He carried a little doctor’s bag, a stethoscope was hanging round his neck and a prescription pad was poking out of his pocket. He quietly said something in St. Peter’s ear, and without further ado St. P. opened the Pearly Gates and the crumpled little man went through.

This was too much for our eminent surgeon.

“And what was all that about everyone being equal ! ! You send an eminent doctor like me to the back of the line, but you let an insignificant common-place G.P. like that through without so much as a hesitation.”

“Sorry,” said St. P., “but that wasn’t a G.P., that was God. Sometimes he likes to play at being a doctor”

[Nik]

I saw a sign on the road while driving today that said, "Survey crew ahead."

I did. They looked okay.

[LeftArm]

I wen't to the zoo but all they had was one little dog.
It was a schi tzu.

[DavidS]

It was a schi tzu.

It took me a while to "get" this one. <groan>