Poor Jokes

[Nik]

A young lad wanders into Boots and asks to buy condoms. The pharmacist manages to convince the lad to buy a pack of a dozen multicoloured condoms which were on offer. Nine months later the lad is back to buy a maternity bra.

"What bust?" asks the chemist.

"I think it was the blue one."

[DavidS]

Chap in court convicted of looting.
Arrested while looting the "mind body and spirit" section of his local bookshop.
When asked for an explanation, he said "Well, I'd got the iphone, the plasma tv and the nike trainers earlier, but I still felt there must be more to life than that."

[DavidS]

At my wife's allotment meeting this weekend, they will be discussing "Manure" under "Any Other Business."

[MrStevens.]

You should always give 100% of your energy as a pharmacist:
11% Monday; 24%Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday

[Gowan]

Phoned my local model shop today to see if they had an Airfix cruise liner similar to the Costa Concordia. They said they had just about sold out, but had one left in stock, so I said "great, can you put it on one side for me?"

[Pharmanaut]

Patient came in waving a box of Durphat demanding a refund.
I said - what's wrong.
She said - This stuff is a bit NaF

[Nik]

What do you call a man with no body and no nose ?

Nobody nose





Thanks, I'll get my coat...

[MrStevens.]

"Ah, Kyla, drinking makes you look so bonnie."
"But Donald, I dinna drink!"
"But I do!"

[DavidS]

A healing ministry comes to town.
The preacher delivers an impassioned speech to the audience on the power of prayer to heal. He calls for sick people from the audience to come up and be healed.
The first person comes laboriously to the stage, on crutches, explaining that he has never been able to walk unaided. The audience and the preacher pray for him, and the preacher sends him behind a screen to pray in private.

The second person comes up and the preacher asks what is wrong with him, and is told that he has had a lifelong speech impediment. The audience, now quite fired up, prays enthusiastically for him, and the preacher sends him behind the screen to pray privately.

After leading the congregation in some more prayers, at the dramatic moment, the preacher calls to the two behind the screen
"You with the crutches, throw them away!"
- and two crutches sail over the screen and clatter on the stage;
"You with the speech impediment, TALK!"
- "he'th fallen over"

[Nik]

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10am, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1pm, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favourite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Pancake Day in my life!"